I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
