I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize