My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
