And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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