is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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