id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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