Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
