Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
