I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
