Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
