Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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