I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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