butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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