What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
