textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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