I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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