I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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