I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
that is very illegal...i love you.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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