Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just had sex on a roof
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
