he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
