I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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