I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
