I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
