I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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