can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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