I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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