The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
