just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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