Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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