I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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