I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
