i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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