3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
How external is "for external use only"?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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