New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
