We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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