did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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