I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
