theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
