That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
