i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
