So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
