you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Even my vagina gasped.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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