i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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