just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Two words: nipple clamps
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