he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
