I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
