Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
