tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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