Too much gin, very little bucket
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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