i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I look better un-naked...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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