My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
