And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
