i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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