look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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