please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
