Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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