after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
