I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
