ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
