i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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