Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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