dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
