I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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