bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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