He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
