her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize